Depu Techiikue
27-07-2006, 22:17
Well, much to my surprise, I opened my personal e-mail inbox this morning and saw an e-mail from the ever so missing... mother of mine. This is what it said:
Tanya edited out my last name and my mother's email
To: edited out my personal e-mail
Subject: (No Subject)
just wanted to let you know I am ok took a vacation (kinda) had to get away.................just got access to computer I have no phone..............SORRY....................I LOVE YOU >>>>mom
Now, my reply... has questioned my instincts. I haven't set the reply YET, so I do not know if this is the right thing to do. I don't know if this will help the situation, or worsen it. I just opened up my past and let my fingers go. So you'll see me opening up things I've never even hinted towards. But I don't care anymore. Life is a knife in the back, and if you pull it out, then you die and pass the knife onto those who care about you most.
Here is my reply I wrote and saved to my drafts folder....
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It's surprising to hear from you. These last thirteen weeks have been hell for me. With Gram getting worse, dad is starting to drink a lot more now, to the point where he can't even walk, and I'm the one who's left to carry him around. He keeps talking about how much life sucks, and if you remember correctly, the last time he did that, I had to call the ambulance to come save him. So I have him to worry about, and then Gram. Not only is she sick nearly every day, but she's like a walking twig now. She weighs virtually nothing. And a burden has been put on her shoulders because she knows how tore up I've been every day these last few months, and then the bullshit with dad is eating her up too. On top of that, I've been worried about what all of this is doing to Danny and Tiana. All of this is eating me alive, and you pulling your stunt has added to my anger, my confusion, my desire to give up, my depression, the death of my will to go on.
It's time for you to grow up and realize you're a parent. Do you remember the days you'd call me early in the morning and promise me you would come over and take me out with you for the day? And then late at night you'd call saying "oh this happened so I couldn't come over, I'll be there tomorrow, I promise." And the next day came, the same phone call. And then the next day came, the same phone call. Did you know, every single day you said you'd be coming over, I would sit in the driveway and wait... all day long. I was stupid enough to believe you, to trust you, to put my hopes into you. I've been this way all my life. Whenever you said something to me, I wanted to believe it. I told myself, 'Maybe she's changed...' But you haven't. You've stricken me, you've left me scarred for life. When dad let you come stay with us, the day you left suddenly... I sat and waited for you to come back for the entire time you were gone. That's why he got so angry when you returned. I've always blamed myself for what happened when you came back that day, and I couldn't ever face myself for waiting for you.
And I've always blamed myself for you losing legal custody of Candi and I. When the detectives and lawyers came in, asking us all those questions. "How often does your mother come out of her room? How many nights do you go to bed hungry? What do you do when you get home from school? How do you get to and from school? Does your mother work? Does this happen, does that occur, do these sound familiar." I'll never forget the days I was being verbally bombarded with questions that ultimately led to the state taking us away. I cried so much after that because I finally realized what I had done, and I saw how much it killed you. But at the time, I didn't know what to do, I was only eight years old. That's why I've always shown you as much love as I have. Dad and Gram dislike it because of everything you've put me through. You used to not even call me on my birthday and say "Happy Birthday" to me. I would sit all day at my birthday parties, WAITING for you to call me and just say those two words. I'd completely ignore my friends, Dad, Gram, Jackie, everyone. They were always there, giving me love. Out of all the presents I got, and the love, all I wanted... was that phone call from you.
I've always felt like you were going to be apart of me. But I was wrong. All those times Rodney came in and busted me open and spilled my blood, I thought you'd come in and save me from his anger, his aggression. But not once did you show up. I have always felt like I am not worthy enough to your standards. Those nights when I would have horrific nightmares when I was five years old, and I'd wake up crying my lungs out, and run to your room screaming for you. I'd pound on your bedroom door endless times, trying to open it, but you locked yourself in there with Rodney and your drugs. When we went to New Orleans, and both Tony and Rodney were giving us shit, and still beating Candi and I until we couldn't move, I'd still always wait for you to pull me out of the situation. But still, not once did you ever come. The time Rodney just dumped Candi and I are Lori's house, and not once did she let us call you, and never let Candi and I be around each other, I grew a hatred for her. During ages three to eight, Candi was all I had, and I was all she had. Two sibblings, living in hell, and we couldn't even speak to each other for the whole time we were there. When we left I told Lori I never wanted to see her again, regardless if she was my oldest sister's best friend.
It's a good thing Candi went to the police when she did and told them about Rodney, because shortly before that Dad found out what he was doing to us, and grew angry especially with what he was doing to Candi. I'll never forget the day dad came over with the intention of killing in his eyes. That prick you considered a boyfriend was lucky he ran away when he did. And I swore to myself, whether it costs me my life or not, if I ever see Rodney again, I will take his life myself. But all of these emotions suddenly changed when I met John. I felt to myself he could change you, he could save you. But slowly over time he began his addiction to your favorite drugs. He fell victim to the same things that ruined you. My hopes died down in him saving you, but I still put my trust in him, I still believed in him. He was the best thing to ever happen to you, because he openly accepted our entire family and showed us so much love, just because of how much he loved you.
I remember the nights I'd call John just a year ago, confessing my confusion to him and my anger, my depression and asking for guidance. He was the only person who listen to every word I had to say without interrupting and trying to deny my feelings, I instantly grew attached to him. The nights I just wanted to die, I would call him, and talk to him about my problems, he'd walk with me through the pits of my depression. I felt like he was more like a father than a step father. He was so close to me, he showed me things I never knew about myself. He pulled me out of my never-ending depression and put me into a position where I could smile and mean it again. But the drug addictions... just didn't stop. Things got worse. You two began fighting a lot. It tore me apart because I knew I loved you, but I cared about him so much too. Things got worse from there. I'll never forget the day he told me that if he didn't stop using drugs, it would kill him, because it did. Then the day he told me he was tired of seeing you so dumped about having little leisure money, just being able to pay your bills since you can't work. He told me didn't have any ways but one to save you from that feeling. Then just a few weeks later... my grandmother calls me and tells me he died the night before... I'll never forget the nights you and I stayed up outside together, just staring into the sky reminiscing about the times he brought us happiness, guidance, love, respect. I felt lost, like every thing I worked for to make myself happy again died. If it wasn't for him, I probably would have gave up on life long ago and just confronted death.
But no... you choose to continue to destroy yourself and put yourself in an atmosphere where drugs run everything for you. You've completely forgotten you have a son who is only eight years old, and is in a position similar to mine when I was eight years old. It's too late for me, but change yourself for him. Save yourself for his future. Value his life, mother. Show him that there is still a "you" in your heart. I thought that John's death would have changed you, but I was wrong. You watched the man who saved you die just feet in front of you. You watched him get shot to death. You watched him crying one minute, then lying on the ground bleeding into a puddle the next. And you know more than any of us, it was the drugs that did it. Stop doing this to yourself, mother. If you won't stop for yourself, stop for your family. And if you won't stop for your family, stop for John's cause. And if you won't stop for John's cause, then I guess there's nothing left, is there?
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Since you've probably forgot what the hell I posted this for, I'm debating if this is a good idea or not to send this back to her. What do you all think?
Tanya edited out my last name and my mother's email
To: edited out my personal e-mail
Subject: (No Subject)
just wanted to let you know I am ok took a vacation (kinda) had to get away.................just got access to computer I have no phone..............SORRY....................I LOVE YOU >>>>mom
Now, my reply... has questioned my instincts. I haven't set the reply YET, so I do not know if this is the right thing to do. I don't know if this will help the situation, or worsen it. I just opened up my past and let my fingers go. So you'll see me opening up things I've never even hinted towards. But I don't care anymore. Life is a knife in the back, and if you pull it out, then you die and pass the knife onto those who care about you most.
Here is my reply I wrote and saved to my drafts folder....
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
It's surprising to hear from you. These last thirteen weeks have been hell for me. With Gram getting worse, dad is starting to drink a lot more now, to the point where he can't even walk, and I'm the one who's left to carry him around. He keeps talking about how much life sucks, and if you remember correctly, the last time he did that, I had to call the ambulance to come save him. So I have him to worry about, and then Gram. Not only is she sick nearly every day, but she's like a walking twig now. She weighs virtually nothing. And a burden has been put on her shoulders because she knows how tore up I've been every day these last few months, and then the bullshit with dad is eating her up too. On top of that, I've been worried about what all of this is doing to Danny and Tiana. All of this is eating me alive, and you pulling your stunt has added to my anger, my confusion, my desire to give up, my depression, the death of my will to go on.
It's time for you to grow up and realize you're a parent. Do you remember the days you'd call me early in the morning and promise me you would come over and take me out with you for the day? And then late at night you'd call saying "oh this happened so I couldn't come over, I'll be there tomorrow, I promise." And the next day came, the same phone call. And then the next day came, the same phone call. Did you know, every single day you said you'd be coming over, I would sit in the driveway and wait... all day long. I was stupid enough to believe you, to trust you, to put my hopes into you. I've been this way all my life. Whenever you said something to me, I wanted to believe it. I told myself, 'Maybe she's changed...' But you haven't. You've stricken me, you've left me scarred for life. When dad let you come stay with us, the day you left suddenly... I sat and waited for you to come back for the entire time you were gone. That's why he got so angry when you returned. I've always blamed myself for what happened when you came back that day, and I couldn't ever face myself for waiting for you.
And I've always blamed myself for you losing legal custody of Candi and I. When the detectives and lawyers came in, asking us all those questions. "How often does your mother come out of her room? How many nights do you go to bed hungry? What do you do when you get home from school? How do you get to and from school? Does your mother work? Does this happen, does that occur, do these sound familiar." I'll never forget the days I was being verbally bombarded with questions that ultimately led to the state taking us away. I cried so much after that because I finally realized what I had done, and I saw how much it killed you. But at the time, I didn't know what to do, I was only eight years old. That's why I've always shown you as much love as I have. Dad and Gram dislike it because of everything you've put me through. You used to not even call me on my birthday and say "Happy Birthday" to me. I would sit all day at my birthday parties, WAITING for you to call me and just say those two words. I'd completely ignore my friends, Dad, Gram, Jackie, everyone. They were always there, giving me love. Out of all the presents I got, and the love, all I wanted... was that phone call from you.
I've always felt like you were going to be apart of me. But I was wrong. All those times Rodney came in and busted me open and spilled my blood, I thought you'd come in and save me from his anger, his aggression. But not once did you show up. I have always felt like I am not worthy enough to your standards. Those nights when I would have horrific nightmares when I was five years old, and I'd wake up crying my lungs out, and run to your room screaming for you. I'd pound on your bedroom door endless times, trying to open it, but you locked yourself in there with Rodney and your drugs. When we went to New Orleans, and both Tony and Rodney were giving us shit, and still beating Candi and I until we couldn't move, I'd still always wait for you to pull me out of the situation. But still, not once did you ever come. The time Rodney just dumped Candi and I are Lori's house, and not once did she let us call you, and never let Candi and I be around each other, I grew a hatred for her. During ages three to eight, Candi was all I had, and I was all she had. Two sibblings, living in hell, and we couldn't even speak to each other for the whole time we were there. When we left I told Lori I never wanted to see her again, regardless if she was my oldest sister's best friend.
It's a good thing Candi went to the police when she did and told them about Rodney, because shortly before that Dad found out what he was doing to us, and grew angry especially with what he was doing to Candi. I'll never forget the day dad came over with the intention of killing in his eyes. That prick you considered a boyfriend was lucky he ran away when he did. And I swore to myself, whether it costs me my life or not, if I ever see Rodney again, I will take his life myself. But all of these emotions suddenly changed when I met John. I felt to myself he could change you, he could save you. But slowly over time he began his addiction to your favorite drugs. He fell victim to the same things that ruined you. My hopes died down in him saving you, but I still put my trust in him, I still believed in him. He was the best thing to ever happen to you, because he openly accepted our entire family and showed us so much love, just because of how much he loved you.
I remember the nights I'd call John just a year ago, confessing my confusion to him and my anger, my depression and asking for guidance. He was the only person who listen to every word I had to say without interrupting and trying to deny my feelings, I instantly grew attached to him. The nights I just wanted to die, I would call him, and talk to him about my problems, he'd walk with me through the pits of my depression. I felt like he was more like a father than a step father. He was so close to me, he showed me things I never knew about myself. He pulled me out of my never-ending depression and put me into a position where I could smile and mean it again. But the drug addictions... just didn't stop. Things got worse. You two began fighting a lot. It tore me apart because I knew I loved you, but I cared about him so much too. Things got worse from there. I'll never forget the day he told me that if he didn't stop using drugs, it would kill him, because it did. Then the day he told me he was tired of seeing you so dumped about having little leisure money, just being able to pay your bills since you can't work. He told me didn't have any ways but one to save you from that feeling. Then just a few weeks later... my grandmother calls me and tells me he died the night before... I'll never forget the nights you and I stayed up outside together, just staring into the sky reminiscing about the times he brought us happiness, guidance, love, respect. I felt lost, like every thing I worked for to make myself happy again died. If it wasn't for him, I probably would have gave up on life long ago and just confronted death.
But no... you choose to continue to destroy yourself and put yourself in an atmosphere where drugs run everything for you. You've completely forgotten you have a son who is only eight years old, and is in a position similar to mine when I was eight years old. It's too late for me, but change yourself for him. Save yourself for his future. Value his life, mother. Show him that there is still a "you" in your heart. I thought that John's death would have changed you, but I was wrong. You watched the man who saved you die just feet in front of you. You watched him get shot to death. You watched him crying one minute, then lying on the ground bleeding into a puddle the next. And you know more than any of us, it was the drugs that did it. Stop doing this to yourself, mother. If you won't stop for yourself, stop for your family. And if you won't stop for your family, stop for John's cause. And if you won't stop for John's cause, then I guess there's nothing left, is there?
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Since you've probably forgot what the hell I posted this for, I'm debating if this is a good idea or not to send this back to her. What do you all think?