Need some advice on giving.. advice

[Depu Techiikue]

Alright well so I was just told something tonight by my father that sent an arrow of shock right through me... mostly because I know what he told me that's going on will destroy my little brother and his mom...

Usually I know what kind of advice to give... as I can relate to a lot of personal problems some people have, and I can even relate to this one, but... I'm lost on the words to use... How to bring comfort to my little brother.

My father tonight told me my little brother's grandmother had a heart attack recently and is, as he stated, "expected to die tonight." I don't know how much truth is in this, as my dad is pretty drunk like usual, but I know he doesn't flat out come out and lie like that on something this serious. And I wouldn't doubt it since I know she's been in a poor health condition for years.

But I don't know how to be strong in front of him in a situation like this... Time for some background information on why I don't know how to be strong for him... my grandmother, who has practically been my mother to me my whole life, went through something terrible a little over two years ago. Basically she started heavilly drinking, and her body wasn't able to handle as much as she started drinking. She would get to the point where she would fall over and stuff, and I'd be the one to pick her up. She wound up falling on her head so much that it completely messed her up (not to mental retardation). One day she just kinda... passed out in a sense. She looked weak all day long and I was too angry to realize it, to see what happened to her. We called an ambulance and the doctor's said her condition was serious but that's it. So I became very isolated for the rest of the day, and he was there. He could see all of the weakness inside of me exploited. He saw how I crumbled and turned into a wrecked soul, so he knows I don't handle things related to that very well.

So I can't be like "stay strong, keep your head up", etc. because he can throw it back at me. He does stuff like that.

And I can't tell him to speak his feelings, get it off his chest... because after my step father died, I just sat alone in my room for days afterward. I wouldn't even come out for dinner or anything. I wouldn't even prepare myself properly for school. I was a complete mess then again, and didn't speak to anyone about anything. I just let time pass and hoped to get over it soon. Plus I never speak my feelings when I get upset over something.

So if I tell him to get his pain off his chest, or to try and stay like himself as much as possible, he'll throw it in my face again.

I know his mother will be trying to help him get through it, but my little brother looks up to me... a lot. Back in the days when I was depressed and just remained silent towards everything said to me, and his mom threw sarcastic remarks at me that somehow insulted me, he'd be the only person to defend me, even over my father and grandmother. When he was younger, whenever his mother would want to buy him something he'd always say something like "How about <insert my name here?" He's always put me right beside him on his heirarchy of important people in his life, and we're not even full brothers biologically. But we've been close his entire life. It's odd, I don't know what to do.

Anyone have any advice on what I should say to him, how I should say it to him, etc? He's only 13 too, right around the age I was at when I felt like I was doomed. But that's when I started getting close with my stepfather, and let him guide me in rebuilding myself. I don't know how to talk to my little brother about this, his nanny who he loved with his heart and his blood died when he was younger and it just tore him to shreds. It took years for him to recover... and his grandmother is just as important to his development as a person as his nanny. I don't want to see him in a state of confusion and pain like he was in before...

[Mirae]

That's rough =/ I'm sorry to hear that Kryt, that really sucks hardcore, I can't say I can relate as I've never known my grandmothers, but I'll try to help regardless of that if it helps.
All I can really think of to say is, you don't always have to be strong. As much as your little brother looks up to you, I'm sure he knows that you too are a human being, and there are times in your life where you can't always be a 100% solid rock =/ You care about your brother a lot, and he about you I'm sure, and that's why he'll understand, you have emotions too. But he has the right to know about his grandmother, even if it may be hard to deal with, I think it'd be better if he knew rather than if you kept it from him.
It will be hard but because you two seem to have such a strong bond, you will help one another through it and support one another mentally as a loss can be very hard to deal with. Just tell him when you think it's right, and just be open with how you, yourself feel, also.
You've been there, you know how it feels to deal with stuff that is this hard at that age~ The difference is, you didn't have an older brother that you could look up to and share things with, and this will make stuff a little easier on your little brother compared with what you had to deal with back then.
Also, of course you're gonna be upset about a dear one's death, that's only natural =/ But I'm sure your grandmother wouldn't want you two to be too down about it, hey? At least she doesn't have to suffer anymore now right? Try looking at the bright side even if there's not much of it ><

Edit: Also, if you're not 100% sure about what your dad said (though he probably wouldn't lie about that), you should call and see how she's doing...hopefully the situation is not as bad as your dad made it sound (that's not to be an ass :x), and your grandmother will recover, but before you tell your little brother you will probably want to know about her condition for sure.

I hope everything goes well for you Kryt, if you gotta vent or something gimme a holler on MSN *hugs*

[ROCKY]

my big bro said something like that she going to die but she will not be in pain anymore. and your dad is like me so say what you need to say even if it backfires you would have shown that you care and that my friend is all that matters.

[Depu Techiikue]

That's rough =/ I'm sorry to hear that Kryt, that really sucks hardcore, I can't say I can relate as I've never known my grandmothers, but I'll try to help regardless of that if it helps.
All I can really think of to say is, you don't always have to be strong. As much as your little brother looks up to you, I'm sure he knows that you too are a human being, and there are times in your life where you can't always be a 100% solid rock =/ You care about your brother a lot, and he about you I'm sure, and that's why he'll understand, you have emotions too. But he has the right to know about his grandmother, even if it may be hard to deal with, I think it'd be better if he knew rather than if you kept it from him.

Sorry I came off a little confusing, he knows about what happened, he was at the hospital last night with her. She did pass away, at 9:15 pm last night.. He got to get in his final goodbye to her last night before she passed on. But he has been taking it pretty hard, I talked to his mother earlier today and she said he's been a wreck about it. Her and I don't really talk on a level like that, with that much personal energy involved, but I could tell it was troublesome for her too. It was her mother, so there's no blood relation for me to my little brother's grandmother, but I still cared for her like she was apart of my family. His grandma was a cheerful person, always knew how to make you laugh. And yeah that's true, no one can always be a solid rock. But I try to look that way in front of everyone, especially my younger family members, most of them look up to me, and I hate it. But I've discovered I can't always do that. And I see him trying to do it with this current situation. I was talking to him through TXT messages while he was in school, and he was trying to act like nothing was bothering him. I was telling him to take it easy, and I wanted to talk to him later on, and he just said things like "You ok? Is everything alright? What's wrong?" etc. as if nothing happened to him. =\

It will be hard but because you two seem to have such a strong bond, you will help one another through it and support one another mentally as a loss can be very hard to deal with. Just tell him when you think it's right, and just be open with how you, yourself feel, also.
You've been there, you know how it feels to deal with stuff that is this hard at that age~ The difference is, you didn't have an older brother that you could look up to and share things with, and this will make stuff a little easier on your little brother compared with what you had to deal with back then.

Yeah that's true. I did have an older sister when I was younger, back when I was living with my mother. We were really close, we went through a lot together living with my mother. We shared the same happiness, sorrow, confusion, hatred, everything. When my mother got sick of being around us and dumped my sister and I off at one of her old drug buddy's house, and we were forced to stay there for about a month, we just stuck together 24/7 while there, just wishing to go home or for our father to show up and take us to his house. But once my sis and I were forced to move in with my father, our relationship started breaking apart gradually. Eventually, we parted ways, she went her own way and I went mine. We went through some pretty rough times after that, and it completely destroyed our bond. Now I don't talk to her anymore. I don't even call her to wish her a happy birthday anymore. My dad got angry last year when I said I wasn't going to invite her to my graduation party, and so he invited her himself, and I didn't say one word to her all day long. The was the first time (and the last time) we've been near each other for more than 3 hours in the last 7 years or so.

But what scares me is I see that happening with my little brother and I in a way. We've been through a lot together as well. And our bond is really strong. But I can feel it slipping. Every time he does something his mother sees wrong, she blames it on me. Like one time, we were driving down the street (my little brother, my dad, my little brother's mother, my grandmother and myself) and we saw a dead cat in the street, and my little bro's mother said "That's sad" and I just looked out the window at it, feeling sorry for the cat. And then my little brother laughed and his mom just snapped and was like "That's not funny, hanging out with your brother has made you heartless" or something. And I've never done anything to "make him that way". That pissed me off, so of course I snapped back at her. But she's been doing stuff like for years. And I've noticed my little brother start to do similar stuff within these last two years. So it's pushing our bond away, I can't believe the type of stuff she puts in his head. But I'm worried that something will cause my little brother and I to just leave each other's lives. It's confusing.. :?

Also, of course you're gonna be upset about a dear one's death, that's only natural =/ But I'm sure your grandmother wouldn't want you two to be too down about it, hey? At least she doesn't have to suffer anymore now right? Try looking at the bright side even if there's not much of it ><

That's true.. I remember a few years ago when I'd stay at my little brother's house, he'd throw remarks towards her that would hurt her feelings, to try and "look cool" in front of me. I spent a long time trying to convince him he shouldn't treat his grandma like that. Luckilly I was able to get through to him, and he started treating his grandma better, and they became close again. And I'm glad he started treating her with more respect when he did, since she's passed on now and he knows that she was aware of how much he loved her.

Edit: Also, if you're not 100% sure about what your dad said (though he probably wouldn't lie about that), you should call and see how she's doing...hopefully the situation is not as bad as your dad made it sound (that's not to be an ass :x), and your grandmother will recover, but before you tell your little brother you will probably want to know about her condition for sure.

I wish I could've called and checked on her, but she died before my dad told me she was expected to die. =(

I hope everything goes well for you Kryt, if you gotta vent or something gimme a holler on MSN *hugs*

Thaaaaanks Kimdo, appreciate it. =) *hugs back*

my big bro said something like that she going to die but she will not be in pain anymore. and your dad is like me so say what you need to say even if it backfires you would have shown that you care and that my friend is all that matters.

That's true, the pain and suffering will come to an end. I've told my dad how I feel towards him before, quite a few times, and it backfired alright. The last time I did it he threatened to "knock me out", which was pretty funny in my eyes. But I just stared into his eyes until he walked away. He could feel what I was thinking. He knows I'll never take the first swing at him, but he also knows if ever goes to swing at me, it'll be the last time he ever does. So essentially, I've given up on trying to help my dad, and speak my mind to him. I never talked to my dad that much, and we've never been close. The whole time I've lived with him since I was eight years old, the house has been sorta like an apartment in the sense that whereever in the house he was was his apartment and I was in the next apartment over. My dad made it clear to me when I was younger that I was on the bottom of his heirarchy when it comes to how important his kids are to him. And he didn't start neglecting it until just recently, because I'm his only kid who has never told him to **** off pretty much. Even my little brother has said it to him. My sister Gina who's the second oldest has even gone as far as denying my father is her biological father. It's nuts. My family is very screwed up.



I can't even begin to imagine how my little brother is feeling, I was thinking this morning what I would do if my grandma (Dixie) was to pass away soon. She's the grandmother I spoke about in my first post, who has been a mother to me my whole life. I've come out and told my family I don't love anyone in the family as much as I love her, including my biological parents and sibblings. I know it hurts them, but it's true. She's the only person in my family who semi-understands me. And she's the only person in my family who has never stepped on my heart. It's hard to describe. I know my little brother's bond with his grandma who just passed away wasn't anywhere near as strong as the bond I have with my grandmother Dixie, but I know it was pretty strong. And if he's taking it pretty hard, I find myself trying to visualize how I'll manage when my grandma Dixie goes. =\

[ROCKY]

only god know and time heals all wounds and who knows maybe in the future you will have a better relation with your dad a thought just came up your dad might be showing his love for you by being that way.

[Nonix Dark]

Well after reading in this thread I have but one thing to say..

After all it is a fact that she passed away and there's nothing your brother or even you can do about it, sad but it's the truth, and I've figured that you already know that. This is something that will haunt your brother and make him sad and probably depressed for a time but after all he must go through it now when it've happened.. I fear the day when my brother and sisters grandmother dies.. She's very close to them and I know that they both will take it very hard.. She's been there alot more than their alcoholic father and also more than my own alcoholic, drug-addicted father has been there for me.. But still there's nothing a can do about it.. The only thing I'll be able to do is to just be there for them to give them as much comfort as I can in a situation like that.. Be their brother.. Just help them deal with it and tell them that they should never forget their grandmother.. just remember her for the person she was.. Make her a good memory that will bring them joy for the rest of their lives.. That's my grandfather for me.. Once he was there.. and one day he were just.. Gone.. But when I think about him nowadays I'm just filled with a comfortable, warm, feeling^^.

Just be there for your brother.. Help him go through the loss.. He can't do it alone.. No one can.. And I know from just reading your posts that you'll do everything you can to help him through it and that is just what you need to do^^..

If you need to talk more about it or anything you can always talk to me^^.. I've been in several situations too in my life that's been pretty though to handle to say the least.. And I am used to relate to other peoples problems since my friends usually comes to me for advice^^..

[Traz]

Whoa man, sorry to hear about this Kryt... Everyone has already offered you ample advice which I hope helped ease you through the situation, but we can always chat via Email should you like. You made this topic a few weeks back, so I hope you have faired well in this time, and could have a good talk with your little brother. Man, you're obviously stronger than me, because should I ever face difficult situations like this I just 'hit the bottle' and try and avoid the problem...never the best thing to do. My heart goes out to your and yours, buddy.

[ROCKY]

it happened 11 years ago and it was an example.