Razorblade Kiss
26-03-2008, 08:03
it's a piece from a collection of short stories I'm working on. it's a bit long, I know...
I hadn't seen her since she graduated.
Sitting on the makeshift bed in her basement she looked different then how I initially remembered her. Gone was the baby fat that had settled in her yellow complected cheeks. Short and no longer round she had become skinny with an elegant figure. Her hair was pulled back in a curly bun that she had apologized for earlier in the afternoon saying "It's usually nappier".
I swallowed my spit.
When you're in high school things are different. You're lost, not as lost as you are once you reach college but the feeling of being aimless still holds true. We were aimless, stoned and misdirected in the park just steps away from our small private school, ditching our respective classes so we could have an hour to ourselves. The way I remember it, it was autumn and we had been talking about college or something.
"What college are you looking at?" I asked her
Back then as a junior I didn't look much different then I do now. I didn't have any facial hair, and I had cut my curly brown hair close to my head, cropped short I suppose. We wore our uniform at the time, blue sweaters with our school insignia and black pants. She wore a skirt.
"Well, I don't know" she says not looking at me "I was thinking about Western, or I don't know. How much is Einbroch? Did you want to go there?" The moment is burned into my mind, and every time I remember it I remember it differently. Some nights I remember her having straight ironed hair, other times I remember curly hair.
"Einbroch is expensive unless you get a scholarship. I don't know, ask our counselor."
We didn't talk much after that instead we made our way back to the school that took up a majority of our time during those years.
Back in the present I'm sitting, sitting and thinking of her in ways I'd thought about her when we still knew each other and hadn't become shells of the people I wished we still were: Her the awkward, neo-hippie. Me the quiet, reserved shy boy.
The lighting in the basement created a sad ambiance. Dimmed 60 watt bulbs concentrated over us, causing the posters of no-name bands to appear darkened. She poured herself a wine glass of vodka, noting that even though it was afternoon we were having a celebration. I'd nod and smile awkwardly. The whole time I was reflecting on our past positions she had been discussing her time at school (which wasn't Einbroch since I was attending Einbroch.) and discussing the boys she had met. It made me uncomfortable to hear of her exploits, but I figured it didn't matter much since we wouldn't talk for another two years.
"So, tell me how have you been since high school Forrest?"
"I've been fine, you know? I moved out of Chicago for a few, I did some work at a motel in California trying my best to see the world. I guess I didn't even see the world that much, I just worked in a motel and hung out. I only came back here so I could move into my dorm for the fall."
The truth was I had moved in with a friend I met over MySpace after graduation. He took me into his home and let me stay with him as long as I paid him every so often for letting me use his space. I worked out of a small motel near one of those beaches and I didn't hang out much. Rather, I just spent my time reading or wandering the boardwalk. Either way I came back still as lost as I was when I left-either way that is a story for another day.
"That's cool! Do you keep up with anyone from our school?"
I shrugged and told her I kept up with very few.
"I understand completely I was so glad to get out of Chicago when I graduated. You're really the only one I've hung out with since I've been back for the summer. Tell me, do you have a girlfriend?"
I did, but I didn't talk about her much. It was one of those things where it exists but you don't speak about it for whatever reason. Whether it be because one person loves and the other person doesn't, or because the relationship isn't built on mutual assured love but rather on what was a physical connection. She existed, I acknowledged and I shook my head:
"I don't."
I had been sipping my wine glass of vodka continuously and by now I was drunk, or getting there. "What a lightweight" I thought to myself as I laid down on the mattress, refusing a giggle.
"I'm still dating Mitch, but of course I haven't been faithful like I explained earlier. He's coming over soon, how long has it been since you've seen him?" she laughed and brought up how this shouldn't be an awkward conversation seeing that before all this we had been friends way before today.
I thought about the first day she told me she was dating him. Two years ago on the bus, the same day I was going to tell her that I adored her and wanted her to myself. The moment she told me I immediately felt crushed and just said "That's pretty cool". That day is hazy as well, it feels like it could've been a rainy day, it probably wasn't.
Laying there I realized how pathetic I was. I wasn't there to catch up on old times or talk about how things have changed I was there because I wanted something, I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, to tell her how badly I wanted to kiss her and lay with her. Never mind the girlfriend that was more than likely waiting for me, I wanted some twist of fate to give me what I wanted no matter what the consequence. My arm found it's way around her waist and I tugged ever so lightly on her side, trying to get her to realize what it was I wanted.
"I can't Mitch will be here soon."
"So? This won't change anything." I say it calmly knowing it will, atleast for me
She moves my arm and it hits me that I'm selfish. As much as I adore her as a friend I'll look at her always as someone that'll be more than that, at least to me. She smiles, slightly and inches away not wanting the moment to become awkward. I recoil into myself.
Thinking back, I remember the night I went over to her house for the first time. I was still dating one of those girls from sophomore year but I always had my eye on her. In her living room with none of the lights on, her sitting on her knees and looking out of the wide window into her front yard at the piles of leaves her little brother had raked. She was talking about something the exact words escape me, but I was thinking the entire time of how I wanted to kiss her. She was still chubby then and I was still shy so I didn't say anything or act on how I felt. She asked me about that "girl" and I told her she didn't matter. Laughing she would turn away. I should've known then how this would always be.
Footsteps down the basement stairs bring a tall, long haired white guy to my vision. He looks like metal-jesus, wearing his ac/dc shirt and khakis. He's smiling pushing his long brown hair behind his ear, she's smiling and by now I probably look stupid, in a ball at the edge of the bed. He waves and says "Jesus Christ Forrest it's been awhile, how are you?" I smile and lift a tired-drunk arm to wave before I stand up on wobbly knees and drunk legs to leave. In my rush to leave I didn't say goodbye to either of them, I just up and walked out the backdoor. It's night time out now and I'm walking from her house back to the train station, tired and upset that I could've been so stupid. I debate on calling her to apologize but instead I text "Srry I drnk" and feign responsibility. I feel like crying.
It wouldn't be until semester started that I talked to her again, randomly running into her outside of a pizza place on Wellington. We made small talk, she was in town for a wedding. She didn't look any different from the last time I saw her but then again I guess that how it usually is. You look at a person differently for a few hours before you see them as normal as anyone else. Maybe it's just me, and the blinders I put over my eyes now-a-days but she no longer glowed or made me nervous. I told her Einbroch was a shitty school and she should be happy she didn't go. When we parted ways I never looked back or thought about looking back.
People change.
I hadn't seen her since she graduated.
Sitting on the makeshift bed in her basement she looked different then how I initially remembered her. Gone was the baby fat that had settled in her yellow complected cheeks. Short and no longer round she had become skinny with an elegant figure. Her hair was pulled back in a curly bun that she had apologized for earlier in the afternoon saying "It's usually nappier".
I swallowed my spit.
When you're in high school things are different. You're lost, not as lost as you are once you reach college but the feeling of being aimless still holds true. We were aimless, stoned and misdirected in the park just steps away from our small private school, ditching our respective classes so we could have an hour to ourselves. The way I remember it, it was autumn and we had been talking about college or something.
"What college are you looking at?" I asked her
Back then as a junior I didn't look much different then I do now. I didn't have any facial hair, and I had cut my curly brown hair close to my head, cropped short I suppose. We wore our uniform at the time, blue sweaters with our school insignia and black pants. She wore a skirt.
"Well, I don't know" she says not looking at me "I was thinking about Western, or I don't know. How much is Einbroch? Did you want to go there?" The moment is burned into my mind, and every time I remember it I remember it differently. Some nights I remember her having straight ironed hair, other times I remember curly hair.
"Einbroch is expensive unless you get a scholarship. I don't know, ask our counselor."
We didn't talk much after that instead we made our way back to the school that took up a majority of our time during those years.
Back in the present I'm sitting, sitting and thinking of her in ways I'd thought about her when we still knew each other and hadn't become shells of the people I wished we still were: Her the awkward, neo-hippie. Me the quiet, reserved shy boy.
The lighting in the basement created a sad ambiance. Dimmed 60 watt bulbs concentrated over us, causing the posters of no-name bands to appear darkened. She poured herself a wine glass of vodka, noting that even though it was afternoon we were having a celebration. I'd nod and smile awkwardly. The whole time I was reflecting on our past positions she had been discussing her time at school (which wasn't Einbroch since I was attending Einbroch.) and discussing the boys she had met. It made me uncomfortable to hear of her exploits, but I figured it didn't matter much since we wouldn't talk for another two years.
"So, tell me how have you been since high school Forrest?"
"I've been fine, you know? I moved out of Chicago for a few, I did some work at a motel in California trying my best to see the world. I guess I didn't even see the world that much, I just worked in a motel and hung out. I only came back here so I could move into my dorm for the fall."
The truth was I had moved in with a friend I met over MySpace after graduation. He took me into his home and let me stay with him as long as I paid him every so often for letting me use his space. I worked out of a small motel near one of those beaches and I didn't hang out much. Rather, I just spent my time reading or wandering the boardwalk. Either way I came back still as lost as I was when I left-either way that is a story for another day.
"That's cool! Do you keep up with anyone from our school?"
I shrugged and told her I kept up with very few.
"I understand completely I was so glad to get out of Chicago when I graduated. You're really the only one I've hung out with since I've been back for the summer. Tell me, do you have a girlfriend?"
I did, but I didn't talk about her much. It was one of those things where it exists but you don't speak about it for whatever reason. Whether it be because one person loves and the other person doesn't, or because the relationship isn't built on mutual assured love but rather on what was a physical connection. She existed, I acknowledged and I shook my head:
"I don't."
I had been sipping my wine glass of vodka continuously and by now I was drunk, or getting there. "What a lightweight" I thought to myself as I laid down on the mattress, refusing a giggle.
"I'm still dating Mitch, but of course I haven't been faithful like I explained earlier. He's coming over soon, how long has it been since you've seen him?" she laughed and brought up how this shouldn't be an awkward conversation seeing that before all this we had been friends way before today.
I thought about the first day she told me she was dating him. Two years ago on the bus, the same day I was going to tell her that I adored her and wanted her to myself. The moment she told me I immediately felt crushed and just said "That's pretty cool". That day is hazy as well, it feels like it could've been a rainy day, it probably wasn't.
Laying there I realized how pathetic I was. I wasn't there to catch up on old times or talk about how things have changed I was there because I wanted something, I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, to tell her how badly I wanted to kiss her and lay with her. Never mind the girlfriend that was more than likely waiting for me, I wanted some twist of fate to give me what I wanted no matter what the consequence. My arm found it's way around her waist and I tugged ever so lightly on her side, trying to get her to realize what it was I wanted.
"I can't Mitch will be here soon."
"So? This won't change anything." I say it calmly knowing it will, atleast for me
She moves my arm and it hits me that I'm selfish. As much as I adore her as a friend I'll look at her always as someone that'll be more than that, at least to me. She smiles, slightly and inches away not wanting the moment to become awkward. I recoil into myself.
Thinking back, I remember the night I went over to her house for the first time. I was still dating one of those girls from sophomore year but I always had my eye on her. In her living room with none of the lights on, her sitting on her knees and looking out of the wide window into her front yard at the piles of leaves her little brother had raked. She was talking about something the exact words escape me, but I was thinking the entire time of how I wanted to kiss her. She was still chubby then and I was still shy so I didn't say anything or act on how I felt. She asked me about that "girl" and I told her she didn't matter. Laughing she would turn away. I should've known then how this would always be.
Footsteps down the basement stairs bring a tall, long haired white guy to my vision. He looks like metal-jesus, wearing his ac/dc shirt and khakis. He's smiling pushing his long brown hair behind his ear, she's smiling and by now I probably look stupid, in a ball at the edge of the bed. He waves and says "Jesus Christ Forrest it's been awhile, how are you?" I smile and lift a tired-drunk arm to wave before I stand up on wobbly knees and drunk legs to leave. In my rush to leave I didn't say goodbye to either of them, I just up and walked out the backdoor. It's night time out now and I'm walking from her house back to the train station, tired and upset that I could've been so stupid. I debate on calling her to apologize but instead I text "Srry I drnk" and feign responsibility. I feel like crying.
It wouldn't be until semester started that I talked to her again, randomly running into her outside of a pizza place on Wellington. We made small talk, she was in town for a wedding. She didn't look any different from the last time I saw her but then again I guess that how it usually is. You look at a person differently for a few hours before you see them as normal as anyone else. Maybe it's just me, and the blinders I put over my eyes now-a-days but she no longer glowed or made me nervous. I told her Einbroch was a shitty school and she should be happy she didn't go. When we parted ways I never looked back or thought about looking back.
People change.