Jokes

[Grae]

The 7 dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they have requested an audience and they are - THE - seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son." Says the Pope. "What can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me. Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your Eminence! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[Dale Anthony]

Ha ha! That's good Graeme lol.

[CTM]

Haha, good one there :p

[Belethdolien]

Oh god, that's great! XD


Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
Because he ate a twelve year old wiener! :P

[TriggerHappi:D]

...I don't get it. :confused: Can someone explain it to me? :D

[keiskay]

he thought the penguin was a dwarf nun and he got in bed with it.

[TriggerHappi:D]

!!!:eek:LMAO,:eek:!!! Lol, oh man. That's freakin' hilarious. You slay me, Grae! :D

[saxxon=red-eyed-dragoon]

GREAT BUMPER STICKERS "IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!" Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. The Earth Is Full - Go Home. I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway! Illiterate? Write For Help. Honk If Anything Falls Off. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes. He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit. You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! Fight Crime: Shoot Back! Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge Ax Me About Ebonics. Body By Nautilus
Brain By Mattel Boldly Going Nowhere. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"I also have some more, but they are a little racist, but very funny. A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico.

Four million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending four million
replacement Mexicans. There is a Mexican, a black guy, and a white guy in a boat. The boat starts sinking.
The black guy throws off a bag of cotton and says "I have too many of these in my country.
The mexican guy throws out a bag of tortia shells and says "We have too many of these in our country.
The white guy throws off the Mexican guy and says "We have too many of these in out country.Ok. You will like this one. There is a plane flying and the captain says.
"We are too heavy. Unbolt your seats and throw them off."
They do.
5 minutes later
"We are still too heaVY." tHE CAPTAIN SAYS. " throw off your lugage."
They do.
5 minutes later.
"We are still too heavy. Some of you will have to jump."
A french guy goes to the door and say "Viva La France." And jumps off.
A new yorker jumps out and shouts. " I love New York.
A Texan goes to the door and says "Remember the Alamo" and kicks off two Mexicans. Guy is standing on his roof watching a flood and a boat stops.
"Hey buddy, Get in the boat and I'll take you to safety!"
"Nope, I put my faith in God."
He's still standing there when the coast guard come.
"Hey, hop on in, and we'll take you to safety!"
"Nope, I put my faith in God."
A helicopter stops near him a little later.
"Hey, climb up and we'll take you to safety."
"Nope, I put my faith in God."
He ends up drowning and when he gets to see God, he says,
"Why didn't you save me?!"
God replies, "I tried. I sent you two boats and a helicopter! what else do you want?

[Captain Jack Sparrow]

the joke was awesome....
what is postman pat without a job

pat

[CTM]

Had World War II been a Online Strategy Game, the chat log would have been something like this :

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur *****
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun ****socker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[saxxon=red-eyed-dragoon]

LOL, not that was funny CTM. and very witty, its not often you find someone who will use wit on the net.

which reminds me of a joke a cousin of mine told me:

Q:what did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

A:see you next month

[TheHackMan]

These are a bunch of jokes I found in an email I got not to long ago:
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen..... Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dang it! Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.



===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

[Auron-X]

Grae: Haha, nice one =P
saxxon: I've heard some of them and i've also seen "Horn Broken... Watch For Finger" at some store (which is called Comedy Capers... soo... it's a... that kind of store, xD) and some ones you posted too, pretty funny.
Hackman: I've heard those ones, but still hilarious, lol.

[gaara15]

Thats great, I really like the bumper stickers. I should buy some of those.

[lukeman]

An American, Englishmen and Irishmen are sat on the roof of a skyscraper drinking beer.

The American says "If I drink 10 pints of Guiness, I bet I can jump off the roof, fly around and land back safetly."

The Irishmen says "Alright then try it."

So the American jumps off the rioof, flies around and lands back on, unscratched.

"WOW!" says the Irishmen, "If I drink ten pints could I do that too?"

"Of course!" Says the American.

The Irishmen drinks his ten pints, jumps off the roof, and falls to his death.

The Englishmen looks at the American.

"You're a right bastard when you're drunk, Superman."

[keiskay]

akighty i was driving home from a bar one day and on the way i hit a cat and didnt mind because its a cat. then a few feet farther a cop pulled me over and said"hey you can do something about the cat" i said"hell no i dont have to". "iknow you were drinkin tonight""shit alright officer" i took the cat and put it in a garbage can and saw an old lady out side then walked back to my car then the cop said"do think thats the ladys cat" is sad"maybe but i don give a shit"well shouldnt you tell her you ran over her cat" so i went and told her i ran over her cat and walked back to my car and the officer said"shouldnt you pay for that cat"hell no besides i only got 25 dollars" but ireally had 200 dollars.he said"thats okay" i went to the old lady and gave her the money and the cop arrested her and not me

i bet you wanna know why well she was arrested for selling DEAD PUSSY lol

[TheHackMan]

^Keiskayunoamolif: What the heck? That joke had no context to it at all. At least make sure the spellin, grammer and puncuation is correct...
^^Lukeman: That joke was kinda funny

[Grae]

Keiskyanomawtfurnameisidontknow that "Joke" really sucked.

THeHackMan, "do you also have monkey with shocky stick that hit you when you not working?"

[crazylegs]

Nickname

Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

[Grace Saunders]

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a bazooka?

[Grae]

A joke without an answer!

No wait.. is it Bahhhhhhzooka? lmfao.. :/

[Grace Saunders]

It's Lambo. So a pig must be Hambo. :D

[Grae]

Nah, crossing a sheep with a bazooka would make a Bahhhzooka.

What do you call a sheep with a bazooka? would be Lambo

[Dark Sephiroth]

LOL thaat was a hilarious joke

[alexanderpas]

what would you get if you cross an elephant with a mole?

[Dusk]

Guy is standing on his roof watching a flood and a boat stops.
"Hey buddy, Get in the boat and I'll take you to safety!"
"Nope, I put my faith in God."
He's still standing there when the coast guard come.
"Hey, hop on in, and we'll take you to safety!"
"Nope, I put my faith in God."
A helicopter stops near him a little later.
"Hey, climb up and we'll take you to safety."
"Nope, I put my faith in God."
He ends up drowning and when he gets to see God, he says,
"Why didn't you save me?!"
God replies, "I tried. I sent you two boats and a helicopter! what else do you want?

Post them properly if your gonna post them.

Guy is resting on his roof waiting to be rescued. A boat comes along to help but he says "The lord will save me" another boat comes but the man says "The lord will save me" a helicoper then comes past but he shouts "THE LORD WILL SAVE ME!" sadly later that night the guy died. At the gates of heaven he asked st peter "Why did the lord not save me?" St peter replies "For crying out loud- he sent you 2 boats and a helicopter what more do you want!"

There, see done properly XD!